It's hard watching her lie there, seemingly comfortable in her deep,deep sleep.
Seeing her wheezing chest rise and fall.
And then it doesn't.
No need to panic, I eventually realise. It's a rhythm change that becomes the norm.
Maybe she slips further into her deep, deep sleep?
It's hard to read the signs of what each day brings and what the future may become for her.
Some days she's awake and alert, connecting with her eyes and even attempting some words.
Does she know what she wants to say
Does her brain think her mouth is delivering it's message?
How frustrating and upsetting that must be.
To not be able to communicate your needs and your thoughts.
To not be able to swallow.
I want to help but I can't.
I helplessly hold her hand instead.
And clean out her mouth with some disgusting, medicinal compound.
I prefer the upsetting alert days to the worrying comatose sleeping ones.
What does it mean when she goes form one to the other?
What does it mean when she's changed from a hospital gown to a nightdress on occasion?
Is it a good sign
Or a really, really bad one?
These are the thoughts that crowd my head as I cross the threshold into her ward each day.
Is today the day that something else will happen
Or will we be asked to make a difficult decision?
How do you agree to not give nourishment to the one who nourished you?
Whatever happens I pray that it will be in her best interests...