Children and their friends. So important to play nice together, not to leave anyone out and to say you're sorry if you do something wrong.... adhere to the social rules, if you like. The foundation of life's lessons. The golden rule for parents of course is to never. ever. get. involved. EVER. Monitor from a distance but let them sort it out for themselves.
It's bloody hard at times though...
These social rules exist when playing outside at yard times, or on the road. Things go wrong, kids fall out and generally things get sorted pretty quickly. If they don't then there's usually an adult that sees or has heard what has happened and apologies can be 'elicited'.....and accepted and lessons can be learned.
Nowadays there are more ways for children to interact with each other as they play together on online forums, all from the comfort of their own homes. Like on xboxlive, for example. They get to play nice together, not leave anyone out and to say sorry if they do something wrong.... the social rules apply here too. Don't they?
Or do they.
Consider this.....
* At break time two children ask another to play football with them at lunchtime and the child says that he will. When lunchtime comes the child changes his mind and explains (nicely) that he no longer wants to play, he's playing with another child. Not very nice, as he previously agreed to play but what's the correct response from the boys? Do they grudgingly accept his apology and play with him again the next day or do they 'remove him as a friend' never to play with him again and refuse all apologies? It's likely that the former is the more usual response. If it isn't then it will soon be noticed in the class and perhaps teacher would intervene to encourage a more appropriate resolution.
* At break time two boys ask another boy to play online with them later that evening and he agrees. An unexpected (and rare) play date materialises and he has a friend over. He's asked to electronically 'join the party' but explains (nicely) that he doesn't want to right now...(his friend can't join in as he hasn't got a headset)...and the immediate response is to be 'removed as a friend' by both friends. All offers of apologies refused. For days.
Am I the only one who sees something inherently wrong in these scenarios?
Why is 'removing a friend' considered an immediate response to a relatively minor misdemeanor online when it wouldn't be so in real life play?
Do the children actually understand the function of 'removing a friend'? I'm assuming it's more for the child's own protection so they're not bullied by others.
Do children need to be specifically taught/reminded that social rules, as such, apply to all forms of play?
Should this issue be included in any school Assertiveness type talks?
I've had a chat with my son and he says that he never 'removes friends' like that. In fact one boy didn't accept his 'invite to join the party' once. He says he was annoyed about it but he accepted it and didn't 'remove him as a friend.'
Thank God, my boy gets it.
Yes, that's right.... the child with the alleged social skills deficit (when younger, clearly not now) gets it.
Does yours?
Or am I way out of line here?
xx
NOTE: Image credit clipartof.com
No you're right, online and offline behaviour should be the same: I'm wondering if kids find it easier to unfriend someone online because it's just involves a mouse click. You don't have to eyeball them, so it's much easier, but the consequences of such casual unfriendliness can be devastating..
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to behave differently online to off, whatever age you are. I'm personally terrified about online bullying. It's happened to children at the school mine go to, and though mine are currently a bit young for this to happen to them (my oldest is 6) they're growing fast and getting ever more internet competent. I don't want to interfere but do want them to know the dangers as well as the joys of the internet.
ReplyDelete@Blue Sky: Thank you. Yes, I believe they do. I thought of that but wanted to see if anyone else would spot it so thanks for that. it IS easier to press that 'defriend' button...and more importantly there's no adult around to see the fall-out. It's only when it spills over into school that attempts are made to get it sorted. Which proves the point I make in my first scenario.
ReplyDelete@angelsandurchinsblog: Yes, I'm terrified too! Thankfully xboxlive is the only one my guy is really involved in. He never uses his facebook account, thank God, but I've had to start trawling there to ensure bullying comments aren't appearing. The apparently innocent act of 'defriending' can SO easily escalate (as it has here)so we parents have to keep on the ball without interfering....sigh! Parents need to monitor fair play ON as well as OFF-line...in my honest opinion.
Thanks for your comments :-)
xx Jazzy
People remove friends on FB and Twitter because it's easily done, and because you can rely on Facebook (in particular) to not let you see anything they write. It's happened to me a few times, in one case by someone I had known for years who took exception to something that someone else said in a comment on my blog that she assumed was about her. It's nowhere near as easy to end a friendship or get rid of the presence of an annoying person in real life; they may not go away if you tell them to, and others (even if in authority) will not make them go away for you. They may demand an explanation, and they may then turn others against you. Online, friends are somewhat disposable - you can get rid of someone at the click of a mouse, with no danger of a reaction (and you can even pretend that you've not blocked them at all, it's just a bug in Twitter or whatever).
ReplyDeleteI think its easier for people to unfriend others online than it is in real life. You know, just a click of a button and you can remove someone. Its also difficult for parents and teachers to intervene and sort things out before it gets too big a problem.
ReplyDeleteWhat worries me the most with the internet is how bullying can escalate to such a degree that it can spread across schools. This happened to my friends daughter whose real life bullying then extended onto facebook; she eventually ended up seeking help from the police to sort the matter out.
You raise a good point about teaching social skills online though I would also like to see the schools dealing with bullying more effectively as well. Deb xx
@Matthew Smith: Everything you say is true. absolutely. But, if we don't teach ouur children that the same rules apply when they're kids then they've no hope when they're adults. A quick and easy click of a button can just as easy spread across into the playgorund and on other online forums. It's one thing when one friend defriends another but when they drag anoither, or others, with them then it becomes 'bullying'. We HAVE to teach them.
ReplyDelete@Deb at aspie in the family: Agreed. But in this case it HAS spread into the school and beacause of that it's easier to intervene.
Parents need to monitor online play and how their child is interacting with others. if defriending someone is 'not nice' in real life then it's equally so in online forums. They're children, they may not get that so we have to teach them. Thing is, not many parents are au fait with this technology. They don't even see that what has happened here is the 1st step in bullying!
That's awful and very worrying about bullying spreading to other schools. A MAJOR downside to t'internet. Again, we parents MUST monitor.
Thanks so much for your comments :-)
xx Jazzy
Wow, great post. I hadn't thought of this before. Maybe kids need to be taught online social skills!
ReplyDeleteI would be very reluctant to unfriend someone in real life and would need a very good reason for doing so. I don't regard 'friendship' on eg fb and twitter in the same way - even though some of these friendships are valuable and greatly enjoyed. I get friended/followed and unfriended/unfollowed all the time. It doesn't bother me and I hope to teach my daughter that a click on unfriend isn't a deep personal insult. On the other hand I would never write anything nasty to/about anyone online as that is personal.
ReplyDeleteIT amazes me that we try so hard to teach our kids social skills that are not inherent and have to be taught only to run up against other kids who are just plain out rude and need some manners themselves. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI see this on FB and the Twitter where people are just more apt to click a person away rather than deal with them. Silly thing is though these kids are going to run into each other the next day at school anyway. I don't get it.
@Kristy: yes....they DO! Thanks, good that you, given your line of work, get what I'm saying here;-)
ReplyDelete@Midlife Singlemum: I agree but this is different. I'm talking about real life friends who discard each other with ease online but wouldn't dare do so in the school yard as they wouldn't get away with it. I honestly believe that this is bullying... I've been watching it from the sidelines for some time now. Kids need to learn this NOW. Otherewise they will be bullies online and maybe in real life too as they grow older.
@lizbeth: Yeah....I was struck by that thought too! They run into each other the next day in school...and it carries on there too. And escalates from day to day :-(
Thanks for your comments.... I'm relieved that you 'get it'! Thank you :-)
xx Jazzy